Konoha Daily
by Athena SFM
Summary: Sai stumbled upon an internet site called fanfiction. Apparently, Sasuke-related stories are plenty. This follows a web of humorous conflicts, a perverted sensei, angry pink hair, a seething cousin and a fainting princess. With a little helpful push gone wrong, what would Sasuke do to make them believe he is not a bisexual harlot?
1. Sasugay

**Author's Note:** This was a plot for a two-shot drabble but somewhere along the way, it has gotten longer. Blame my Google Drive. I tried to proof-read it myself but there is only so much to notice when it's your own story. God of Grammar, please excuse my lack of talent.

**Disclaimer:** If I own Naruto, Neji would still be alive. *sobs sobs* Why did Neji have to die? *cry cry*

**Note:** Please do read _Quagomay's My Story_,_ Airyo's Prey for the Hunted_ and _Asphalt Love's A Man's World_. Those fics makes me double-think my NaruHina obsession.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

He opened his eyes and tried to sit up only to fall back on his bed with a massive headache. Closing his eyes and digging deeper into his pillow to ease the hangover, he groaned when the pain seems to worsen. _Fuck._

Last night, he went for a drinking spree with the dobe. _The fucktard is seriously enjoying his title_, he thought bitterly to himself when he remembered why he went to drink with their Hokage. Yup, Naruto is now Konoha's 6th Hokage.

They celebrated Naruto's 500th day on his seat. They also celebrated his 100th, his 200th and so forth. He seems to love celebrating every-_fucking_-milestone in his life with just the two of them. With sake. Heck, they even celebrated the anniversary of his relationship with Sakura. Aren't couples supposed to celebrate that with themselves alone? With Naruto's brain capacity of a frog (pun not intended), he is not even surprised to know he doesn't know that. He shouldn't really underestimate Naruto's idiocy.

He supposed he should feel bitter about that. He wanted that title himself. When he finally understood his precious Aniki's intentions, he wanted to rule over Konoha so that those painful experiences he had won't have to happen again to anyone. He strive for that title. He fought again the monstrous power of his ancestors and wins alongside everyone. He even went to Konoha's jail voluntarily and accepted the trials and probations he was given so that they could believe that he really has changed. Naruto, the War's Hero, had backed him up. After all, he's the guy who believed in him the most and never failed to surprise, even those who knows him thoroughly, what he would do for his best friend.

After everything, Naruto had challenged him officially for the title of the Hokage. They talked with their fists and jutsus. Someone even commented that what they have is like the friendly rivalry between Kakashi and Gai. Their sensei just smile, or what he thought he did behind that mask, and Gai who said that the _youth in them has blossomed and would never wilt_. He did not complain about that. He doesn't have any reason to. At least, he could be Kakashi and there is no way in hell that he would be the younger Gai. He'd rather commit seppuku.

Or just maim who-the-hell made that comment.

Brushing the thought from his mind, he stood up and didn't pay a heed to his headache and proceeded to go downstairs. Once he was in the foyer, he noticed a newspaper forced on the space between his door and the floor. Konoha Daily, he assumed. He never subscribed to any newspaper so it makes him wonder why there is one on his door. He shrugged as he picked it up and prepare to make himself a breakfast. It's free so it's good. A free newspaper won't hurt him.

Right?

His breakfast consists of a cherry tomato salad and a cup of black coffee. A tomato salad that only has cherry tomatoes in it. It's a salad, other opinions doesn't matter. He propped on the chair and started eating. As he sip the steaming drink, he opened the newspaper to read. What caught his attention and what made him stop drinking was the big, red headline that says, _Sasuke, the sole survivor of the Uchiha Clan is a bisexual._ He blinked a few times hoping that it would changed but it didn't. He spit whatever he has in his mouth and read the offending column.

_**Sasuke, the Sole Survivor of the Uchiha Clan is a Bisexual Harlot**_

by the Unnamed Secret Ninja of the ANBU root

_Sasuke appears to be a bisexual. A source found out about an internet site named Fanfiction tells about his love stories, or rather sexual romances, with a great number of men and women of our world. As we already know, he is quite popular with the ladies. Thus he is paired with Karin, Sakura and Ino and the women who never even paid him a side glance like the Hyuuga princess, Temari, Konan, Ten Ten and even Tsunade! Gross, I know. Tsunade-sama is no pedophile, but, who knows? Nobody knows what goes on with those big chest of her._

_Moving back to the topic, he is also paired with men by no other than our very own orange Hokage, the fifth Kazekage, Orochimaru, Kakashi, Neji, Shikamaru, Orochimaru, all of Akatsuki and myself. At least, he is not in a relationship with the Raikage. The Raikage's shaft is probably like his own neck. Shag and wrinkly._

_I have asked a few people related to this case and this is what I have found. I can't seem to ask for Sakura and Hinata's reaction for the pinkette had cracked my skull and the Hyuuga princess had fainted. I would never dare to ask the latter again, Neji's Hakke Hyaku Nijūhachi Shō (Eight Trigrams One Hundred Twenty-eight Palms) is really deadly._

_The people I was able to interview without much damage to my body are..._

_Kakashi: I never knew my student likes me. Maybe I should give him an oral lecture what to do in the act._

_Shikamaru: Troublesome..._

_Gaara: Is Naruto not enough? Sorry, I prefer girls._

_Orochimaru: Sssshhh... I knew it... I knew he liked my tongue.. shhh... it does wonders..._

_Ino: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOO- *crash* *crack* *faints*_

_Hokage: He can't stand me! My **** would destroy him!_

_But I knew that the Hokage was joking because his **** is the size of my thumb. How can a dainty thing destroy someone like Sasuke? I don't know about what goes on in his mind but if he likes, I could help him and join the fun. I go both ways._

_The question is, is he a seme or an uke? Tune in for the next issue. We will do our best to answer your questions._

He was furious to say the least. His hands are trembling. He, unknowingly, had destroyed his own dining table and his food are all over the place.

His obsidian eyes are now red with fury. He would never live up to this kind of embarrassment ever again.

He knew right away who to kill. Sai's going to pay for this. It has been long since his Sword of Kusanagi: Chidori Katana had been put to use.

* * *

Today, Sasuke receives a copy of Konoha Daily.

Today, Sasuke is going Amaterasu on Sai' ass.

Today, Sasuke is proclaimed Konoha's bisexual harlot.

* * *

Questions?

Reviews appreciated. :3


	2. Bullying Sasuke

**I'll be updating every Friday... or Saturday. :3**

**Special thanks to the following: **_strawberry chizoey, 921350 and Schanppers and all my shy chibi reader. *pats y'all on the head*_

**N/W:** Jigoku Shoujo

**Disclaimer:** Do I really have to do this? If I own Naruto, I'd be sure to turn myself into an anime character and be Gaara's bride. Neji wouldn't have to die and NaruHina will happen. Hinata is my bitch people, _no touchie_.

So, no, I don't fucking own Naruto.

* * *

_Life is real hard for the Uchiha Avenger._

_- Unknown_

* * *

"Sasuke-chaaan~ Rise and shine!" Naruto, who bypassed the stage of learning how to knock when entering someone else's house, entered Sasuke's abode and made his way towards the raven-haired's kitchen. Looking over at what was left of the Uchiha's table, he helped himself a cup of coffee and tapped his friend on the forehead. "Bro, what's gotten into you?"

"..."

Like a curious child whose eager questions were not answered, the oblivious blonde put down his now half empty cup of coffee on one of the kitchen counters and yanked the _not-so_-suspicious newspaper out of Sasuke's grasp. He threw it towards the trash bin.

"Earth to Sasuke." Waving his one hand in front of Sasuke's face just to retract it as fast as he could, for the sake of his life, he frowned upon noticing that Sasuke didn't seem to pay him attention.

"..."

Instead of answering him, his friend ran his fingers through his hair and glared daggers at an invisible object in front of him. He was gritting his teeth and probably planning someone else's demise.

Naruto then grinned his Naruto grin. "I didn't know that hang-over could do this to you, _Pussy_-ha Sasuke."

The punch never came.

"..."

Sasuke should have been trying to send him off of the living world for that.

But, fortunately or unfortunately, he didn't.

It was disturbing.

"Oi, teme. What's with you?" He brisked towards Sasuke and flicked his forehead.

It seems to have serve its purpose. The Uchiha suddenly stood, connecting his head to Naruto's poor chin and walked away from him, seemingly unaffected by the collision. He sat on a couch in the living room.

"That hurts, teme." Rubbing his chin, he followed his sworn brother and propped himself beside Sasuke. "I swear, sometimes you hit harder than Sakura-chan."

He didn't even twitch after that. Naruto is pretty sure that he's not deaf nor mute but there seems to occupy Sasuke's mind that he won't even pay him a glance. He waited for a few seconds to pass before asking him again.

"Now, Sasuke, what's your problem?" He asked soothingly.

"..." Sasuke.

"..." Naruto.

"..." Sasuke.

Light bulb.

"I know it! Sasuke-teme, you're in love! Ino said that sometimes men act like that when they're _in love! _Ne, who is it?" He nudged Sasuke's side. "It can't be me, right?" He teased. He always gets mad when he says that.

When he was about to give him the 'nakama hug', just to prove his 'point', Sasuke suddenly said, "I'M NOT GAY!" or screeched rather.

The orange-clad Hokage swore he could have lost his hearing when his buddy screamed at him. He knew he'd get mad at him but he was not expecting this kind of reaction.

"Uh, what?!"

"I'm not gay! Naruto, I'm not gay!"

"Jeez, calm down, Sasuke. It was just a joke."

"I'll kill him, Naruto. I'll kill him."

Oh, _yes_, he was emitting a _ridiculous_ amount of killer intent.

Naruto doesn't know what to do at the moment. He was contemplating on tying up Sasuke and maybe ask him who is that '_him_' he's planning to kill. What confuses him is that Sasuke's threat and his actions doesn't match. If he really was planning to hurt someone right now - he knew he won't kill anyone from the Leaf, Sasuke promised him that - he should have gone out and tracked the person. It wasn't like him to just sit and be murderous and do nothing about it.

Is there a reason that keeps Sasuke from coming out?

"If you won't speak, I wouldn't know how to help you."

Sasuke's answer is pointing at the newspaper that he didn't manage to shoot properly at the trash bin.

* * *

Hanabi is pissed.

He was sporting a glare that could put Neji's to shame. Her imoutu rarely gets mad at something trivial so something real bad must have happened to her. When she was about to inquire her, she abruptly produced a newspaper out of nowhere and passed it to her. Without batting an eyelashes, she bitterly said, "Oneechan, _Sauce_ is gay." Before the words even register to he tired mind, Hanabi turned around and brisked away from her muttering colorful words under her breath.

It was confusing. "Hanabi-chan," She murmured to no one, "who is _Sauce_?"

It was still early in the morning. The sun is still just peeking from the horizon and the morning breeze is cold. Hanabi is an early riser, much like she is. She had arrived moments ago from a three-day classified B mission with her teammates and Gai-sensei. They agreed to come home first and change their clothing. As soon as the sun arises, they are to meet at the Hokage tower for their full mission report. Having changed in a better clothes, she decided to eat a quick breakfast first. On her way to the kitchen, she met Hanabi looking rather pissed... and _disappointed. _She can read her precious sister like an open book. Hinata made a mental note to ask her later in the day.

The newspaper that seems to bother her sister caught her interest. _Konoha Daily. _The name sounds familiar. She remembers Sai asking her questions about his column in the said newspaper. It was something about Sasuke...

_Oh, no! Did he?_

She is definitely appalled. She fumbles along the leaves of the newspaper until she found what is Sai's obvious piece. _Unnamed Secret Ninja of the ANBU root._

Le gasp.

_He can't be serious!_

Sai made it painfully obvious that it was him who wrote the offending column. Curiosity kills the cat, or so they say. As she started reading it, she can't help but giggle at the absurdity of it. She has nothing against, uhm, bisexuals but Sasuke being one is as good as telling that Naruto being quiet and observant. She does love Naruto - though not the same as she used to feel about him, she had grown past that stage - but she can't deny that fact that almost everyone seems to agree at.

Hes's a busybody with a loud mouth.

She noticed that she stopped right in front of the open hallway that leads to the flower garden. Some branch house members - who wakes up before almost every, if not at all, member of the main branch - were looking at her questioningly without forgetting to greet her a 'good morning'. She guess it was because she was giggling like a nutcase. Greeting them appropriately, she trotted towards the dining whilst not forgetting the newspaper she's has her hands on.

Making a mental note to visit Sasuke later in the day, she started eating the breakfast laid on the table - it was hers, if the note that reads, '_for Lady Hinata_' says otherwise - and planned on making him dinner. They were already already friends, even if the term makes Sasuke scowl, and the raven-haired seems to take a liking on her cooking. It was a nice feeling that Sasuke appreciated her talent. For someone who never sugar coat his words, it was a great compliment.

It all started when the former Hokage had put her as Sasuke's guardian or a _babysitter_, as he used to coin. Without doubt, friends, relatives and the Hyuuga Elders had pitch a bitch about it. The woman dismissed them for the reason that 'Hinata-san was never Sasuke's fangirl and I'm sure his virginity is safe' or something along that line. Needless to say, she fainted for she don't remember the supposedly 'meeting' she had with them for her said purpose for the said Uchiha.

Neji had informed her of the whole meeting a day after. It is a mission, afterall.

Princess Tsunade, who had stepped down from being the Hokage a year after the war, had given her the position saying that she was never Sasuke's fangirl and therefore, her image of him won't be biased. It worked well with her aside from the fact that first, Hyuuga Elders threw a fit and second, she was afraid at the beginning. She knew who Sasuke was and is still scared of him. It only worked after the rest of Team Seven assured her that they'd beat Sasuke if he ever contemplated on giving her pain.

There had been benefits of her mission. Sasuke would train her once in awhile. She has gotten stronger and was able to prove herself worthy of the title as the Hyuuga Heir. Of course, like the people that the Hyuuga Elders are, they were in an another fit saying Sasuke is not fit to become her trainer.

It ended well, as far as her training with him goes, because the former Hokage dismissed them and Sasuke had commented, '_I knew it. Hinata is the only Hyuuga with no stick up her ass_.'

* * *

"Sai is sooo dead." The orange Hokage had tried not to laugh out loud from the amusement on Sasuke's current predicament. "I hope he doesn't try to maim Sai." The newspaper he's holding right now has probably run-out of copies. As soon as he got the newspaper in his sworn brother's house, he went straight to Sakura's.

A pink head popped out of the kitchen and gave him a raised brow. Sakura came from the said part of the house holding a tray of food. He went to her last night after having a drinking binge with his best friend rather than going straight home and suffer from a hangover the next morning. Benefits of having a medic nin as a girlfriend.

The said pinkette placed the food on the center table and kissed Naruto on the cheeks. "What do you mean? I just saw Sai this morning in the market. He was rather happy." She puts the finger of her right hand on her lips and added, "..probably."

"Nah. Sasuke's just about to hurt him real bad. Here," he gave Sakura the copy and waited for her reactions in amusement.

He thought that she's going to get out and crack Sai's head. He was a bit surprised when instead of doing that, she did the opposite. Imagine his shock when she bursts out laughing. She didn't just laughed, she fell on the sofa, claps like a seal and pound the sofa and probably hurting her sides for laughing too much.

"This is too funny. Sai really did it! I was kind of afraid for him when he tried to interview me about this. Kami help his body."

"Eeehh, Sakura-chan, I thought you cracked his skull for asking him that?"

"Huh?" Sakura blinked at him. "That was just greeting him. Besides, what kind of sane man would drag a woman busily buying a dress to ask that?"

_No sane woman would do what you did_. Something's just better off not spoken. He never wondered why he ever loved this woman. She's clearly not sane.

"A g-greeting? That's.." Swallow. "..so _nice_ Sakura-chan. " He should really say something that she would like.

For the love of his bones.

* * *

Sai was walking down the downtown parts of Konoha when a person he knew suddenly appeared. He gave him a smile he usually sports on and walked up to him.

"What's the status?"

"Positive. It created a roar among everyone. Our plan would be a success. I'm 100% sure. I'm sure _that person_ would be delighted to hear that almost everyone actually believed what I wrote."

"Amazing.

Sai took a peek at the man's face and said, "_Bully Sasuke Mission: Step 1 Accomplished_."

He gave him a nod. "I'd report on him now." He disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Sai continued walking and smiled a real smile.

* * *

'sup?

Anyways, I love you all. Reviews and kisses. ~ :3

For those who read and reviews : **I love you too.**

For those who read and don't review : **Please do, just a little token for the work.**

For those who don't read and yet, make reviews : **WHAT?!**


	3. Sasuke Meets Sai

Off hiatus. Hooray~ I have so many people to thank so I'll be using this moment to do so.

This chapter is rather short but it's better than nothing. Hehe. I am busy at school and trying to make ends meet. Sorry about the super late update. You may notice I tend to put my A/N at the beginning of my chapters. That's because I roll that way.

**Special thanks to the reviewers: **_roti bakar, alee26606, daydreamer102308, 921350, Guest and all the shy chibi readers hiding in the corner. I love ya'll._

**To this story's followers:**_ strawberry chizoey, mori3, dyshescool217, coffeeshot, Xiteph, MsChifSantos, HinaUchihaMK, HiSaGa, Catherine3, Adri-Swan, 921350 and 14Sakuya. I love you guys. You were my inspirations.  
_

**Kisses to people who made this their favorites:**_strawberry chizoey, __coffeeshot, __alee26606 and Hinata6. Free internet chocolates muffins to everyone._

**DISCLAIMER:**I don't own Naruto but I want to buy every rights to own Gaara.

* * *

_Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans._

* * *

Ino is on the verge of dying. She didn't anticipated this day to be _this_ amusing.

She sat there, red-faced that could put Hinata's to shame, out of breath and clutching her sides that was threatening to split from the pressure of too much laughing.

She woke up when heard her mother mother called out for her. It is breakfast time and her mother, with her ever present affections for a complete family meal when they are not in a mission, insisted they eat together. She only had about 2 hours of sleep but she knew she just can't say no.

Her mother apparently invited her two teammates to join them when she met the two boys outside. She was out to buy ingredients for breakfast. How in the world is the lazy genius up so early is beyond her. Shikamaru and Chouji, her best of friends, her ever loyal teammates, are looking at her with worry. Well, Shikamaru's probably worried about her present state of mind rather than her well being. Chouji's the one doing most of the caring.

She just can't stop herself. It is the most hilarious thing she had ever seen. Or read. She thought she had experienced all fun things until this. This is most fantastic thing ever. Nothing can beat this. Even Gai-sense's horrible singing voice can't compare. All thoughts of going back to sleep evaporated.

She finished her food fast and bade goodbyes to everyone at the table. She didn't even halted to hear their responses. The blond-haired beauty ran out.

Thanks to her trustworthy network of rumor-mill and information-gathering species,_ i.e._ kunoichi and female civilians of Konoha, she finally laid her hands on the print of the suddenly out-of-copies infamous Konoha Daily. The newspaper outlet that no one gave even a single fuck before. Now, everyone wants a piece of it. After reading the offensive, or incredible which ever you prefer, literature, she went straight to Sai. Looking for him throughout the village, she found him at the farthest district of Konoha with the help of a giddy female branch Hyuuga she has grown friends with.

She asked him, _Yamanaka-style_, where he got the information. It includes some colorful words, threats and some beating.

Sai claims it is from a website named 'fanfiction'. This is going to be fun.

And she just asked Sai to let her write for the next day issue of Konoha Daily.

He agreed and the former ANBU Root went off to do something 'fun'.

* * *

He doesn't know how to get out of his house without being seen. There's already a small crowd outside his house probably waiting for him to come out. He has shut out all of his appliances, his lights off, slid the windows close, sat on the sofa and prepared himself to become a hermit for the rest of his life. He just can't get out without being seen as a bisexual harlot.

Damn that magazine. Damn that Sai. Damn that someone mildly psychotic author who loves making his life miserable.

How can he kill Sai if he can't get out?

Then, like an oasis in the middle of the desert, someone knocked on his door. His salvation. It was Sakura, who was not bothering to even hide her chakra. He let out a small, 'come in'.

The bubblegum-haired medic nin went straight in and propped herself beside him after closing his door after her. Sasuke felt elated. He never knew that Sakura's presence can be helpful at moments like this when all he wanted was to commit a mass murder and some destruction to properties.

She sighed when he did not even utter a single word.

"Sasuke-kun, what are you planning now?" She asked calmly. _Too calmly,_ if you would ask.

"I don't fucking know." He bellowed and kicked something. It was his center table and poor table would become soon a kindling for fire. "I'm not gay!"

"Err, Sasuke-kun.."

He stood abruptly. He just can't sit there like an idiot waiting for the gossip to subdue. It would never subdue. "I'm leaving."

"Where to?"

"To kill Sai."

"You just can't kill a fellow Konoha shinobi just because.. uhm.. you hate them or they spread something really _nasty _about you." She gave him a lopsided grin. "You know the drill, Sasuke-kun."

She has a point.

"The only thing that we c-" She suddenly stopped talking.

His world suddenly stopped moving.

It feels like he can no more hear anything outside his house. No bystanders, no busybodies. The only thing that was taking him attention, and Sakura's, are the steady footsteps and the _oh-so-familiar_ chakra signature of the object of his wrath.

"Sai." He hissed.

He plunged the door open with one hand and the other chirping with Chidori.

* * *

She's trapped between feeling amused and scared about the situation. Sai and Sasuke are standing in front of each other with considerable distance between each other. Civilians and shinobis watching the them made a circle around the two.

Sai puts on what she thinks he thinks that everyone else thinks a happy face.

Sasuke is giving off a murderous intent towards Sai alone. She looked at him and grimaced.

He certainly looks very, very mad. He was angrier than that time when Naruto decided to play his upgraded Sexy-No-Jutsu on Sasuke. It was with Hinata's face and supposedly body. Sasuke wanted Naruto killed that time despite the massive nosebleed he's sporting. That was also the time that the rest of Konoha 11, except Team 8 as they were luckily not present, saw Sasuke blush.

He had to treat Naruto a few times because of that. Not only it was Sasuke who tried to kill the obnoxious blond, Neji had a fit too. It was worth it though. Sasuke's embarrassed faced is forever saved in their minds.

But today is different.

Sasuke won't kill Sai, she knows for sure, but the pale man is doomed.

Angry Sharingan. Check.

One-line eyebrow. Check.

Gritting teeth. Check.

Forehead vein. Three of them. Check.

Hands tightly clenched on the hilt of Sword of Kusanagi. Check.

An aura of doom, malice, hatred and a promise of deathly beatings. Triple Check.

Conclusion: Someone's funeral, err, a few weeks in the Konoha Hospital.

"Amaterasu." Sasuke whispered the word.


End file.
